Top Ten Things To Do With Your Nose When You're Bored
10) Look down it at somebody (Pride)
09) Poke it into someone else’s business (Strife / Dissension)
08) Snoop around with it (Nosey / Gossip)
07) Get it out of joint (Anger)
06) Cut it off to spite your face (Bitterness)
05) Pay through it (Materialism)
04) Find something right under it (Love / Salvation)
03) See past it (Eternity / Hope)
02) Keep it clean (Humility / Obedience)
AND THE NUMBER ONE THING TO DO WITH YOUR NOSE…
01) Get it stuck in a book (The Bible!)
Onion Prayer
When my daughter was about three I took her to bed and asked what she would like to pray about. Promptly she answered: "onions." We prayed about onions and the next morning I asked why she wanted to pray about onions. "Because you said in your sermon that we should pray for things we dont like."
Stop Thief!
An elderly woman had just returned to her home from an evening of church services when she was startled by an intruder. She caught the man in the act of robbing her home of its valuables and yelled, "Stop! Acts 2:38!"
(Repent and be baptized, in the name of Jesus Christ so that your sins may be forgiven.)
The burglar stopped in his tracks. The woman calmly called the police and explained what she had done. As the officer cuffed the man to take him in, he asked the burglar, "Why did you just stand there? All the old lady did was yell a scripture to you." "Scripture?" replied the burglar. "She said she had an ax and two 38's!"
Jamie's Prayer
Jamie- God how long is a million years to you?
God- it is but a second Jamie.
Jamie- God how much is a million dollars to you?
God- it is but a penny to me
Jamie- God can I have a penny
God- just a secon
Church Mortgage
A preacher announced from the pulpit," I have good news and bad news. The good news is we have enough money to retire the mortgage on the church."
A sigh of relief went through the congregation.
The preacher continued: "the bad news is: the money is still in your pocket."
King Of The Jungle
There was a young lion who wandered from his father to test whether or not he would get the same respect from the other animals as his father did. As the young lion approached some monkeys, he roared and asked, "WHO IS THE KING OF THE JUNGLE?" The monkeys, being afraid, responded, "YOU are!" The lion replied, "And don't you forget it!" The lion repeated this to each animal in the jungle and got the same response until he came across a herd of elephants. The little lion roared and asked, "WHO IS THE KING OF THE JUNGLE?" The big bull elephant walked closer to the lion, swooped him up in his trunk, swung him around and around and threw him in the river. Battered and wet, the little lion replied, "Just because you didn't know the answer to the question didn't mean you had to get nasty about it!"
Most of us roar through life without God in the same way - as if we are kings of the jungle - until life throws us in a tail spin and shows us that we are not.
Sermon Thief
A young and new lay preacher was asked to lead an evening service at a church he had not visited before. A few days before the service he met a farmer who he knew to be a member of the church he was to visit. The hugely over-weight farmer was apologetic, saying that he would not be at church that evening and what was his sermon text? The preacher told him, and even went through how he was to expound the particular scripture. The farmer was delighted that he had shared it with him and went on his way. > > The preacher decided that he would attend morning service that Sunday at the church to get a feel for the place and its ambience. As he took his pew he noticed a ladder left against the side of the pulpit. When the service began he was surprised to see that the farmer was the preacher. As he could not get into the pulpit by the narrow door the farmer had to climb the ladder and swing himself over the pulpit side. He then proceeded to preach the same sermon as that prepared by the young preacher. The young man was extremely annoyed after he had put hours of work into his sermon for that evening. > > When he eventually entered the pulpit that evening, he announced to the congregation, “My text this evening is St John, Chapter 10, verse 1, ‘Jesus said, verily, verily, I say unto you, he that entereth not the door into the sheepfold, but climbeth up some other way, the same is a thief and a robber!
Preacher's Habits
One Evangelist said, "My sermons are like chickens with their heads cut off- once you think the sermon is done, it just jumps back up and runs in another direction!"
